As soon as the trolls came into view from behind the bridge and leapt onto the Merlin, I knew we\u2019d have been better taking the New Main Line. Slipping below for another flagon of ale, and through the wood, I heard the trolls speak in a funny, twisted tongue which turned out to be a dialect of English. They were telling Jack Dudley and Harold \u201cChimdy\u201d Sweep that all they wanted was food and drink, but with another four hours so to go before we reached Aston we could spare neither scratchings nor ale. Jim Painter was guiding Genevieve, the horse, and the rest of the Merlinauts \u2013 Jim\u2019s brother Natty, Joey Briggs and Fred Carp \u2013 had stopped off at a pub, vowing to catch us up on foot. Perhaps the trolls would have thought twice had we been in greater number, but they didn\u2019t look reasonable beings and would probably have taken their chances whatever the odds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had to think fast. I filled an empty beer jug with water, crumbled some coal into an empty bag of scratchings and took them above. \u201cThese are delicious,\u201d I said, \u201cand this liquor is as smooth as any you could taste.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe trolls do\u2019\ndrink,\u201d said the tallest, stockiest one \u2013 about 4\u201910\u201d square.\n \u201cWe just need water. And that black stuff looks disgusting. \u201cAy\nyer got owt else?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOats! Oats! Oats!\u201d the trolls cried together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked at\nGenevieve in her steady progress with Jim. \u201cOats,\u201d I said. \u201cBut\nthey\u2019re for the horse.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGive us some\noats!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOats! Oats! \nOats!\u201d the trolls cried together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAll right, all\nright. Listen. Those oats are the energy by which we travel. If\nyou want them, you\u2019ll have to work for them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWork? What\u2019s\nthat?\u201d asked the shortest troll, whose eyes looked glazed and other\nunder his flaming mop of red hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou want these\noats?\u201d I asked. The three trolls grunted ascent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Within ten minutes we had yoked the trolls up to the boat and they were accompanying Genevieve and Jack. Jim was resting his feet and quaffing deeply from a flagon of Butler\u2019s Best. Progress was quicker now, and all the more agreeable, but I still had trepidations about what might await us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sure enough, four\nfurlongs on, a terrible beast with serpents for hair reared up from\nthe cut and gave out a terrible shriek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo\u2019 gawk at her\nfizzog!\u201d shouted the tallest troll, whose name, we\u2019d now\ndiscovered, was Lester, \u201cHer\u2019s a gorgon!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBumble\u2019ll give\nher a cockalver! Loose him at her, mush!\u201d shouted another troll,\nand, at that, Jack unyoked the red-headed troll, who immediately\nthrew himself over the edge of the cut. His glazed eyes were\nevidently blind and he fought the beast through sound and scent\nalone. We couldn\u2019t watch \u2013 literally \u2013 but unfortunately\nGenevieve (smart though she was in her own way) didn\u2019t comprehend\nthe warnings and looked at the source of the terrible sounds, of\nscreaming, tearing flesh, biting and slashing. In an instant she was\nturned to stone, and the Merlin ground to a sudden halt, moored to\nwhat had once been its engine. As I stared at her in shock, Bumble\nemerged soaked and victorious from the Old Main Line, and put his arm\naround the neck of the horse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cPoor thing,\u201d he\nsaid, and all the trolls\u2019 heads dropped. Jack Dudley wiped a tear\nfrom his cheek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jim, Chimdy and I disembarked the Merlin and inspected the petrified animal. The trolls offered to propel us without her but the thought of leaving her there made of my heart a thing as cold and lifeless as the stone she had become. I could not \u2013 we could not \u2013 accept that she was gone, and to leave her here, like some remote landmark to be seen and then quickly forgotten, would have put her into the past, and legitimized the cruel state of things that the gorgon had forced upon us. Anyway there was a pub. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Cheers went up as we\nentered, and half a dozen comely wenches brushed the sawdust together\nto make us a soft path to the public bar. I ordered four pints, plus\nglasses of tapwater for the trolls; the landlord would take no\npayment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe saw how you\nslayed Gladys! What courage! What valour!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat was all\nBumble\u2019s doing,\u201d I said, \u201cWe were just averting our gazes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNevertheless, it\nis a merry band that you have. It is our pleasure to afford you\nthese drinks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I spotted some fare behind the bar, wrapped in brown paper. \u201cThe trolls don\u2019t partake of ale,\u201d I explained, \u201cbut they can eat. I\u2019m sure they\u2019d love one of those cobs you\u2019ve got there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey\u2019re tuppence ha\u2019penny,\u201d said the landlord. I managed to get five for a shilling, on the condition that I recount our adventures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I told them of how the blond and handsome Joey Briggs had \u201cborrowed\u201d the Merlin from his employers (knowing that such use would go undetected on a bank holiday), and we had set forth from Little\u2019s Lane with our many flagons of ale and packets of scratchings and Capstan Full Strength as Dawn\u2019s rosy fingers caressed the Boxing Day sky. We spoke of the pubs we\u2019d stopped at, and the rabbits and factories and dogfights that we\u2019d seen and how, in the calls of crows along the canal, we had been warned of great battles to come. I explained how the slow-moving “butty” had forced our pilot, “Chimdy” Sweep, to take the Old Main Line rather than the New ‘un. Then I recalled the sightless Bumble\u2019s valiant deeds, and how he had slain the gorgon using smell and sound as his only guides. All who heard these words were enthralled, and the landlord got us another round.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bumble himself,\nmeanwhile, had been talking to an old blind man by the window, and\napproached me now, eagerly unwrapping his cob while catching the\ncorner of a table and making someone\u2019s pint fall. \u201cHis name is\nTiresias,\u201d he said, pointing at the grey-haired old man, \u201cI think\nyow mun hear what he has to say.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As Jack, Jim and\nChimdy cavorted with the serving wenches and time ambled at a\ncuriously slow pace, I listened to the seer\u2019s instructions. To\nreturn Genevieve to her previous state I would have to journey to the\nLand of the Dead, and find a wizard dressed in tree-bark with stars\naround his head that lit up the greedy vacuum of dark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow long will\nthat take?\u201d I asked, \u201cKick-off\u2019s at two.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAs long as you\nreturn here, time will not pass.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The last time someone had promised that, I\u2019d missed ten minutes of the second half getting a round in at the Victoria Ground, but, feeling for Genevieve, I took Tiresias at his word and headed to the Land of the Dead. As foretold, the ferryman, Charon, waited outside the Beehive, moored to Genevieve. I gave him two bob and settled down in the bed at the stern of his rowboat. He carried on down the Old Main Line but took the Dudley Tunnel. Here did I see all manner of strange things. Skeletons dressed in the garb of huntsmen chased fox skeletons in pitch-black fields; the ghosts of politicians argued meaningless points deep into the night. Some of the dead told me never to leave, others pleaded with me to take them back to Tipton. Trilobites crawled across the faces of those that appeared to sleep. One of the dead asked me for a smoke, but when I took out my pack of Capstan Full Strength he said, \u201cWould you that I died a second time?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Wizard sat in the window of a sinister taproom, and spoke to me through the frosted glass, his crown of stars glowing in the gloom. \u201cGoo round to the outdoor,\u201d he said, \u201cand buy a packet of crisps. The packet will appear empty, but thy horse shall feed off the past and be alive again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBe silent, lowly transporter! Do as I command!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did what he said,\nalso purchasing a flagon of best bitter for the return journey. \nThere was a problem though: Charon refused to take me back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI ferry them\nhere. I take no-one back.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut Tiresias\nsaid\u2026!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He adopted a mocking\ntone, moving his head from side to side. \u201cOoh, Tiresias said! \nTiresias said!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBe silent, lowly\ntransporter! Do as I command!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cErm, that would\nbe \u2018no\u2019,\u201d said Charon petulantly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hopped back into\nthe boat, lay down and began to leg back to Tipton myself. Charon\nfirst tried to paddle against me, but when that proved futile began\nattacking me with his oar. With great strength and skill did I\nwrestle him out of the boat and into the water, landing a blow on his\nhead with the oar as I did so. I continued to leg until his sour\ncries could not be heard, and then rowed more leisurely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I fed the past to\nGenevieve and she revived immediately. I then went inside the\nBeehive and called the rest of the Merlinauts, whose number now once\nagain included Natty, Joey and Fred. Jim Painter announced he was\nengaged to one of the wenches, Penny, and was considering missing the\nmatch in order to court her further.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cTime does not\nmove in this place,\u201d I told him, \u201cPenny will wait for you, and\nshe will never age.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was good enough for Jim. Blond and handsome Joey Briggs, a serving girl on each arm, was a little more difficult to persuade, particularly as the beer was still courtesy of the house. But the trolls and Jack Dudley were so pleased to see Genevieve back to her old self that they enthusiastically entreated Joey to come along and in no time the crew of the Merlin were back on the Old Main Line, with the trolls (no longer bound now, having proved trustworthy in battle) helping Genevieve along to previously unimagined speeds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There were setbacks, however. The willows of Tividale attacked us for many minutes, scratching our faces with their vicious boughs. In Oldbury, the clouds did form as oxen, and storm the Merlin, rocking us starboard-to-port as we threw coal at them. But Genevieve and the Trolls pulled us on until we reached West Bromwich. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here, at Summit Bridge, would be our defining battle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here, at Summit Bridge, would be our defining battle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hades, that has\npower over fire, stood on the towpath by the bridge, with his hound,\nthe three-headed Cerberus, barking in harmony (a gloomy minor triad)\nat Genevieve, who stood before him. Underneath the bridge, Poseidon\nbanged his mighty trident against the bottom of the cut, and great\nwaves did form and beat at the Merlin, tossing her many feet in the\nair, and pulling at Genevieve, who bravely stood her ground, neighing\nat the gods. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIs there a\nproblem?\u201d asked Natty Painter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThere be many,\u201d\nshouted Hades, and Poseidon nodded in agreement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGoo on\u2026?\u201d\nsaid Chimdy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell, for a\nstart-off,\u201d said Poseidon, \u201cyou knocked our kid\u2019s psychopomp\ninto the water!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHe was being a\nprat!\u201d I shouted, with one eye on Genevieve, still straining\nagainst her rope, \u201cI give him two bob: one ter tek me there and one\nter tek me back. A deal\u2019s a deal.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNext,\u201d\ncontinued Poseidon, utterly ignoring my point, \u201cThere\u2019s\nthreepence on the flagon.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHer never told\nme. Here!\u201d and I threw the jug to Hades. Cerberus\u2019 heads\nfollowed the flight of it and his tail wagged. Something told me the\nmutt wasn\u2019t getting enough exercise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHave you drank of\nthe ale?\u201d asked Hades, with a glance over to his brother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAr. Why d\u2019yer\nthink I bought it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Furious at the answer, Poseidon took a giant step forward and scooped up the Merlin with his trident, tossing us high into the air, with poor Genevieve dangling at the rope. We flew higher and higher, as if gravity no longer held, as if the gods had decided that we should return to a primeval state of chaos and unknowing, where all rule was unwrit. Along the Main Line I caught sight of Villa Park, and the grounds of Aston Hall where the balloons of the Flying Squadron were landing, ready for the match. Then I saw St. Andrews, then Filbert Street, and all the way to Carrow Road. Starboard were the London grounds and yet the air up there was neither thin nor cold, but fresh and bounteous, as if the very act of breathing it was making our lungs young again. I lit a Capstan and offered one to Jack, who seemed unsettled. \u201cOnly quarter of an hour till kick-off, Gonby,\u201d he said, breathing the smoke through his nose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I am Zeus,” said Zeus.
“I am Gonby,” said I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Without my noticing,\nto the port side was a mountain that must have risen out of the sky,\nand we neared the top. Gravity appeared in our lives once more as\nThe Merlin landed on a mountain lake with a gentle splash and\nGenevieve came to rest on soft turf, snorting happily. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI am Zeus,\u201d\nsaid Zeus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI am Gonby,\u201d\nsaid I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou seem to have\na spot of bother with my brothers down there. Something about a\ndeposit on a take-out?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat\u2019s part of\nit,\u201d I said. \u201cTo be honest, I just don\u2019t think he likes me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWho, Poseidon?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I said,\n\u201cthe other one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat are you\nsmoking?\u201d asked Zeus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCapstan Full\nStrength,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGiz,\u201d said\nZeus. He placed the cigarette in his mouth and casually lit it with\na lightning bolt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCould you help us out?\u201d I asked him. \u201cWe\u2019m in a bit of a hurry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell I could,\u201d\nreplied Zeus, breathing thick, fluffy clouds, which descended to the\natmosphere and caused rain in far-off random lands, \u201cbut I rather\nfancy watching how this one plays out. There\u2019s so rarely anything\nworth watching at Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, come on, Zeus!\u201d said handsome Joey Briggs, \u201cit\u2019s hardly a fair fight! And all we wanted was to watch a football match.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo not tell the\nGod of all Gods what to do,\u201d warned Zeus (fairly gently, I\nthought), \u201cIf I say I\u2019m keeping out of it, that\u2019s what I\u2019m\ngoing to do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFair do\u2019s,\u201d I\nsaid, flicking my cigarette butt into the lake. \u201cBut if we win,\nwill you take vengeance? We\u2019ve got no problem with you, after\nall.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Zeus shook his head. \u201cMy brothers can look after themselves,\u201d he said, \u201cOr at least they think they can.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s that\nsupposed to mean?\u201d asked Jack Dudley.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Zeus considered. \u201cAll right. It\u2019s not a terribly fair fight, as Blondie here pointed out. So let me give you a tip: Poseidon\u2019s the one to watch. Hades just acts hard because he\u2019s got a dog.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThanks, Zeus,\u201d\nsaid I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo problem, Gonby,\u201d said Zeus. And with the final puff of his cigarette he blew a strong wind which sent us directly but safely back to the cut, where the trolls were valiantly standing their ground against the Olympians. As soon as the Merlin crashed onto the canal, I retrieved some scratchings from below and scrambled onto the towpath. Hades was occupied with Bumble, who had managed to climb onto his back and was jabbing at his ears with his dagger. I approached Cerberus and offered him some scratchings; each head took one and his tail wagged with pleasure. As I offered him more, along with some fuss, he began to lick my hand and then started jumping up and licking my face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cLeave my dog\nalone!\u201d shouted Hades.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHe\u2019s my dog\nnow!\u201d I replied, and, sure enough, Cerberus began barking at his\nformer master. The rest of the Merlinauts were throwing coal at him\nand he began to cower and eventually ran off. Poseidon banged his\ntrident on the bottom of the cut and made a tidal wave that engulfed\nthe towpath and dragged me back into the water. Deeper and deeper\nwas I dragged, and I swallowed huge lungfuls of the foul water, and\nyet I breathed freely and consciously. Water-nymphs surrounded me,\nand kissed me, while Cerberus gambolled with fish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThou canst not die here,\u201d said one of the nymphs, \u201cFor thou hast drunk of the ale of the Off-Sales of the Dead…” <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThou canst not\ndie here,\u201d said one of the nymphs, \u201cFor thou hast drunk of the\nale of the Off-Sales of the Dead. Neither water, nor fire, nor ice\ncan kill thee. Stay here with us, brave warrior.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSorry: \nkick-off\u2019s in ten minutes,\u201d I tried to say, but it just came out\nas bubbly noises. So I showed them my pocket-watch (which I knew\nwould probably not survive this battle) and swam to the surface, with\nCerberus alongside me. Poseidon was enraged to see me emerge and\nthrew his trident at me, but I ducked it and then climbed onto the\ntowpath, lifting the dog of three heads out straight away. He barked\nat Poseidon, who was still being showered with lumps of coal thrown\nat him with great precision from the Merlin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I climbed on Genevieve and gave her a sharp smack to the hind quarter, with which she started up and began to gallop like a champion filly. Cerberus ran happily alongside and the Merlin began to gather speed, crashing through Poseidon\u2019s waves and on up the cut all the way to Aston Locks, beyond which, by Cuckoo Bridge, we moored. We got on the Holte End just in time for kick-off and watched the mighty Wanderers emerge victorious by three goals to one. Then, after a couple of pints in the Aston Tavern, we went home, as Dusk\u2019s pink fingers began to caress the winter skies, this time via the New Main Line, and without incident.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
All in all, a grand\nday out, topped off by a great result for the Wolves. Come on me\nbabbies! \n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Little’s Lane to Aston via the Old Main Line — and a detour to the Land of the Dead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":391,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-386","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/386","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=386"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/386\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=386"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=386"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=386"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}