{"id":606,"date":"2020-06-20T10:49:56","date_gmt":"2020-06-20T10:49:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/gonbys.com\/?p=606"},"modified":"2020-06-20T10:49:56","modified_gmt":"2020-06-20T10:49:56","slug":"west-ham-united-1974","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/?p=606","title":{"rendered":"West Ham United, 1974"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\u2018THIRTEENTH NOT GOOD DAY TO TRAVEL STOP VISIT IF YOU ARE IN TOWN STOP SZABO.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dicky Toolan rolled his eyes and passed the telegram back to me. \u2018Thirteenth unlucky is it? Good job we\u2019ve got your mate on the case to guide us through these eternal mysteries, Gonby.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I scratched my jowl, surpressing impatience. Though I shared some of Dicky\u2019s misgivings, our trips to Szabo\u2019s place in Soho weren\u2019t the only thing about London away days that were beginning to irritate me. Annie Bagshaw had called off the engagement and Toolan was alone again, exhausting concerted efforts to cheer him up and slowly enveloping Nobby Clarke and me with his lovelorn fog. Further down the smoking carriage, by contrast, the Subterraneans were in high spirits, flashing their torches through thick clouds of cigar and pipe smoke. Formed by ex-members of the Speleologist Squadron, most of them too fat for real pot-holing but still hooked on anything below ground level, they used the most pungent tobacco they could find in order to obscure the smell of the sewers, which tended ultimately to be their milieu. They, too, were Soho-bound, having organized an early session in a basement bar in Dean Street to be followed by a meandering route through the Victorian sewerage system, popping up through a manhole on the Barking Road thanks to some contacts in Newham Borough Council. Harry Pine, one of the Subterranean\u2019s most likeable number, was calling me now, flashing his powerful torch into my eyes as he did so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Am you sure you ay comin\u2019 with us, Gonby?\u2019 he shouted between expansive gusts of Perfecto.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I\u2019m sure, mate,\u2019 I said, looking in my pocket for the pack of cards I\u2019d brought to keep Dicky\u2019s mind off things, \u2018Got to see someone.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You dow know what you\u2019m missing,\u2019 he said, followed by something I couldn\u2019t hear over a guffaw from the other members of his card school.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An insignificant sort of interaction, but one that would prove to be prescient. What I was missing would prove to be the key to that day. What I was missing, and what nobody could see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mosca was beating out a Persian carpet when we got to Ganton Street, dispersing tourists and shoppers with the resultant dust cloud. Upon seeing us, the little creature dropped his broom and gave an obsequious bow, ushering us into the shop with encouraging little grunts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018To your health, Gentleman,\u2019 said our host, with a smile, \u2018May the Wolves leave East Ham wictorious and \u2013 more importantly \u2013 alive!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Maaaster! Maaaaster!\u2019 he called, with hushed impatience, like a child in need of the toilet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Don\u2019t call<\/em> me that when we have wisitors!\u2019 came an irritable voice in the back room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Its Meester Gonby!\u2019 whispered Mosca loudly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There was no reply but the sound of drawers opening and closing, things dropping on the floor, a shriek from a cat. Nobby Clarke perused some antiquated evening wear, while Dicky stared morosely at his own reflection in a dusty mirror. Finally Szabo emerged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Gentlemen! Welcome! Welcome! You look well.\u2019 The bell tinkled, and Mosca shuffled out, returning with the wrought-iron clothes rail from which the Persian carpet still hung. \u2018Lock the door, Mosca. We do not want to be disturbed.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We walked past tailcoats and toppers into the back room, where Mosca served us whisky from a familiar cristal decanter. \u2018To your health, Gentleman,\u2019 said our host, with a smile, \u2018May the Wolves leave East Ham wictorious and \u2013 more importantly \u2013 alive!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Are you coming with us today, Petru?\u2019 I asked \u2013 his interest had been stimulated at Highbury earlier in the season.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018With you? Yes,\u2019 he said, \u2018To the game, regrettably not.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Yow ay mekkin\u2019 any sense,\u2019 said Nobby, irritably, \u2018We\u2019m gooin the game; am yow?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Please gentlemen, take a seat.\u2019 We sat down at the heavy walnut table, while Mosca slipped on some Marigolds and headed for the kitchenette. I passed around my last four Senior Service, and Szabo passed around a heavy pewter lighter. \u2018You will not, I am sorry to say, be seeing Wolves today.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobby got to his feet. \u2018Try stoppin\u2019 us!\u2019 he said, storming towards the shop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Mr Clarke \u2013 please. It is not I who will stop you. It is the Csendesek.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A chilling cry came from the kitchenette.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A chilling cry came from the kitchenette.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Hush, Mosca!\u2019 he snapped, and then rose to his feet and walked towards the sink. \u2018They cannot hear us, my friend,\u2019 he said softly, \u2018We are safe.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018But how do we know, Maaaster?\u2019 hissed Mosca.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018They are not here. And you\u2019ve missed a spot of grawy there, look.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What\u2019s got him so rattled?\u2019 whispered Toolan to Szabo when he returned to the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Gentlemen, when you hear what I have to tell you, you will be as \u201crattled\u201d as my loyal and devoted friend, if not more so\u2026.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This did not, in fact, turn out to be the case. After Szabo had described the invisible beings who emitted no sound or scent, and who didn\u2019t drink or eat or do very much at all, we were a little shocked, but…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Am they here now, Szabo? Am they watchin\u2019 Mosca do the dishes?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Can yow ask one of \u2018em to pass the decanter, Petru? I\u2019m spittin\u2019 feathers here…\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Who\u2019s farted?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Must have been one of the Csendesek!<\/em>\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018How many Csendesek <\/em>does it take to change a light bulb? Ten thousand to stand around and watch Mosca do it!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Knock Knock.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Who\u2019s there?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018…\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Is it the Csendesek<\/em>?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Yeah!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I admit I joined in with this sport at the beginning (offering the lads \u2018Csendesek fags\u2019 from my empty pack of Senior Service), but something about the tolerant smile on Szabo\u2019s face made me feel sad very suddenly. I petitioned him once again to come to the match.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I will gladly take you in the landau,\u2019 he said, \u2018But there is simply no way we will get in. The ground will be filled with Csendesek<\/em> already.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Come on,\u2019 I said, getting up from the table, \u2018I\u2019ll buy you a programme.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though pleasant at first, the journey by carriage became a little more complicated as we got on the Portway. First the horses reared up by West Ham Park, then Mosca waited behind a line of parked cars for five minutes thinking it was a Csendesek<\/em> traffic jam. On Plashet Road he yanked the horses to a halt at a zebra crossing and refused to move off for fear of hitting one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Why are they all coming here, do you suppose?\u2019 I asked Szabo after a couple of minutes, to the sound of impatient car horns behind us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Dee Paschal moon is a wery<\/em> powerful force to dem, Gonby. Dey cannot resist.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018But it\u2019s Easter everywhere.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018But dis is dee Easter End. Dee forces are stronger here.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wanted to reply, and thought better of it. Mosca was gingerly moving off, after an impatient Cortina had burst past him with a procession of expletives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, we arrived at the ground, and to our horror, it was just as Szabo had said: the turnstile doors were locked but not a sound was emerging. It was half past two. \u2018Perhaps we can listen to it on the wireless,\u2019 he said, hoping to console us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Wireless?\u2019 said Nobby, crossly, \u2018This is the Wolves, not the bloody shipping forecast!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frustrated, we headed to the Boleyn Tavern, but our ill fortune continued. Nobby pushed and pulled at the door, but it wouldn\u2019t open, though music blared from a juke box. He peered through the lettering on the frosted glass. \u2018There\u2019s staff behind the bar and no customers,\u2019 he said, knocking hard to no avail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Typical,\u2019 grumbled Szabo quietly, \u2018They lowe Marc Bolan.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I smelt cigar smoke and turned around. A little way down the road, behind a warning sign and some safety barriers, Harry Pine\u2019s bald head was emerging from the street. \u2018Knew you\u2019d catch up with us in the end,\u2019 he smiled when I approached and then, seeing my face, \u2018When\u2019s the funeral?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I explained the situation to him and he called over a man in a donkey jacket; it was his contact from Newham council. \u2018Can anything be done about this, Bill?\u2019 he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man went to his van, took out a clipboard and began filling in a form. \u2018Hand this in at the executive entrance,\u2019 he said, ripping off the first sheet and passing it to Harry, \u2018Tell them there\u2019s an inspection needed.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018There\u2019s twenty-five of us,\u2019 said Harry, as I watched the Subterraneans emerge one by one from the manhole, \u2018Are you sure this is going to work?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018It better had,\u2019 said Bill, \u2018If there\u2019s any pwoblems, jast mention the union.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A disparate football crowd milled around Green Street, grumbling about closed doors, trying to force their way into pubs, and occasionally falling into the road when knocked (inadvertently or otherwise \u2013 we could simply never know) by a Csendesek<\/em>. Szabo didn\u2019t like me saying \u2018A Csendesek<\/em>\u2019, firstly because he felt they might get touchy, secondly because Mosca thought they might get touchy, and thirdly because \u2018Csendesek\u2019 was actually the plural form.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What difference does it make?\u2019 said Nobby, \u2018We can\u2019t know how many there are.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Mosca sat in the landau and waited for us, but nobody was making jokes about him having Csandesek <\/em>to keep him company. Our mood had been decisively altered, and inside the ground it was hard to get excited, rather than focusing on the empty seats, the echoing shouts of players and managers (when I asked him why the ground echoed despite a sell-out crowd, Szabo said \u2018they have form but no mass.\u2019 I still have no idea what that means). The players, too, seemed confused and out of sorts. There were free drinks in the executive seats, which did help, and when a Kenny Hibbitt rocket soared wide of the North Bank goal, it was it was fun to imagine a Csendesek<\/em> being hit in the face by it, but this was a hollow shell of football, the meeting of obligations for beings that didn\u2019t noticeably care about and added nothing to the game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Csendesek<\/em> football,\u2019 I muttered to Nobby as the game meandered to its pale conclusion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Yeah,\u2019 he replied, draining his pint, \u2018Full of Csendesek<\/em> goals.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1 \u25a1<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s always an exception, and in my experience it\u2019s usually Dicky Toolan. After disappearing for ten minutes of the second half, he reappeared at twenty to five quite cheerful, even a little bouyant, and gushing with praise for the way Mike Bailey had nullified Brooking in midfield. Back at Euston, he got two rounds in at the Royal George, and even some peanuts for Szabo\u2019s horses. It wasn\u2019t until we boarded the train, and he insisted on sitting in the aisle seat with nobody by the window, that the penny dropped. Her name was Millie, apparently, and he thought she was probably \u2018the one\u2019. I told him I felt his estimation was out by one. He said he was looking forward to seeing the look on Annie Bagshaw\u2019s face when she saw them together. I told him I was, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In any case it couldn\u2019t last, and not just because Dicky\u2019s flings never did: a large crowd of Stoke fans got on at New Street and \u2018Millie\u2019 was forced to give up her seat. By the time we were back in Horseley Fields, he was looking sullen and asking me for a 2p coin to phone Annie with. We left him in the station and headed off to the Fox for last orders.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dicky Toolan is quiet because of Annie Bagshaw. I’m quiet because of Dicky Toolan. Upton Park is quiet because of the Csendesek.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":610,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[7,24,40,42,44,76,99,119,122],"class_list":["post-606","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-7","tag-boleyn-ground","tag-coronavirus","tag-covid-19","tag-csendesek","tag-mosca","tag-szabo","tag-west-ham","tag-wolves"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/606","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=606"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/606\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=606"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=606"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonbys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=606"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}